Many problems in relationships are due to our own belief system which gives us an aggressive (dominating) or non-assertive (submissive) stance. This often leads to a “control” imbalance. This control imbalance almost always increases feelings of resentment and distance.

ASSERTIVE (”I WIN–YOU WIN”) POSITION
It means being sensitive to my own and other peoples’ feelings and exploring those feelings to achieve a deeper understanding of the thoughts and beliefs that cause those feelings. It means using open, honest, understanding, and caring communication.

The rewards of the assertive position include (1) being happy myself because I take care of myself well, (2) being happy giving gifts that help you be happy, (3) receiving gifts from you out of your genuine caring back, and (4) both of us feel an increased self-esteem and closeness.

AGGRESSIVE (”I WIN–YOU LOSE”) POSITION
Being aggressive (or domineering) generally involves having a belief system that puts my values and needs above yours almost to the exclusion of yours.

“BULLY TYPE” Control: The dominant/aggressive person uses some form of mental, physical, monetary, or other type of power to force or manipulate their partner.

“CON TYPE” Control: The dominant/aggressive person uses deception, lying, charm, and other verbal skills to persuade the person into doing what they want. He/she may be a “super-salesman” at it. The difference between “con” behavior and good, assertive communication is that the con person is lying and doesn’t plan to keep his/her word. The assertive person is strictly honest and always intends to keep his word.

“JUDGMENTAL” Control: The dominant/aggressive person relies on rules or a “holier than thou” approach to keep their partner feeling guilty and off-balance. The judgmental person takes the position that they are morally right, have God or some other power of right on their side and that their partner is morally wrong, stupid, or some in some other way not being “good,” “intelligent,” “kind,” “considerate,” “assertive,” “loving,” or something else that is valued by them. The manipulative person uses these labels, etc. to get control and get their way more than because they just are trying to help the person. Or, they may take the role of a parent constantly with a person who doesn’t need parenting.

NON-ASSERTIVE (”I LOSE–YOU WIN”) POSITION
Being non-assertive generally means having a belief system which emphasizes putting your needs or point of view ahead of my own. Often willing to go to great lengths or at great cost to myself to please the other person–even if I get little else in return.

In the long run they loose interest and respect for me and end up rejecting me after all.

Passive control. “sneaky” ways where the passive partner hopes to not get caught.

The positive and negative outcomes of non-assertiveness. The rewards for non-assertiveness include (1) having my needs “taken care of” by someone else, (2) being a “nice guy” that others like because they always get their way with me, (3) getting others’ sympathy and support, (4) avoiding anxiety, responsibilities, or having to overcome fears
Look upon every man, woman and child as your equal. As though they were symbolically a part of you. Black, white, Jew, Gentile, those that love you or those that hate you, or whatever your differences may be. We all are from the same Source, and your love for them will help them to harmonize with yours and their inner spirit which is one in the Source.

Love yourself. This will plug your awareness into your heart centre. It will enable clarity of thought and perception. Anyone who believes they truly love another but doesn’t love one’s self is deluding one’s self. Love is about finding balance, and one cannot balance with only one side of the equation. The ultimate realization here is the fact that by truly loving another, you are loving yourself. This will have profound impact on your life and that of others. To do this you have to be absolutely honest with yourself and come to accept yourself for whom you are your strengths and weaknesses. You may wish to be a brain surgeon, for example, but have not the powers of concentration needed and you may find you are equally attracted to another profession. We cannot all be leaders or brain surgeons! Nature does not create this way. Creation gives everyone a natural place and it is up to us to find that place, or forever is found wanting.

Face every adversity as a learning experience. Only you can decide whether an experience is there to face or avoid. Only love of the self and others will bring forth the realization of how to deal with any situation correctly.

Never allow guilt to interfere with your life. If you have erred, learn from it and give thanks to yourself for the opportunity you have given yourself to learn and evolve. Let the experience go and go with the flow, unfettered by unnecessary baggage. As long as you live according to the other advice you will avoid the traps of discarding guilt altogether and living recklessly. Everything has its place, even guilt and fear; but these things are not meant to be solid obstacles to life, only transient experiences to help us learn and evolve. They are like barriers on the road. If you run into them, turn the wheel and get back on the road. You will always know the road: it’s the place where the barriers aren’t!

Harm none as much as is humanly possible and do as you will.

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